I was walking through the airport one evening, having spent a blissful weekend away, reminiscing on the events of my short vacation and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again. I looked back at my carry-on only to realize that my favorite black cardigan had fallen off at some point and was most likely gone for good. Let me explain, this was my go-to black sweater. For a girl who is constantly shivering in air conditioned restaurants, theaters, etc., this one item, though seemingly insubstantial was important to me. I experienced that small sinking feeling one gets when she realizes something she treasures is gone forever. But, my yoga has taught me to let go of that which I cannot control. So, I shrugged my shoulders and with a little pride in my personal growth, released the loss with little thought.
That pride I felt over releasing my sweater or that I get after donating a trailer full of items to charity, turns to humility quite quickly when I focus my attention on detachment in relationships. In the Yoga Sutras, Pantajali stresses that attachment to our reality of a situation causes us suffering. I've found that when desires flare up in matters of the heart, it is much more difficult to accept the situation as it is and flow with the moment. For it is in these moments, that my impulse to control feels strongest. In these moments, I am fully aware of how far I still have left to travel.
But, I am learning. And, I've learned that these things get me back on my path of holding gently in the relationships I most treasure...
1. Communication. Where haven't you heard to work on communication, right? But here is why it is a key component of detachment. We become attached to people and outcomes because of the perceptions we carry around in our minds. It's so easy to believe that the way we see a situation is the way that situation really is. Yet, have you ever asked a person why they did something and their answer surprises you? I can more easily release my need to control in a relationship when I remember that the person for which I care has his/her own feelings and perceptions. And the only way I can know that is to ask questions and listen to the answers.
2. Self Reflection. Simple truth - we all have baggage. Even those who grew up in perfect families (is there such a thing?) and experienced perfect childhoods (again, who didn't encounter a bully along the way?) have been hurt by life. We carry those disappointments and insecurities along with us everyday. Unfortunately, it's easy to let those past hurts color the present moment. Part of the practice I am working to implement is to stop and see what my motivation is for trying to control a person or situation. Is the situation touching some insecurity that is hidden within me? Is the outcome I'm hoping for going to fulfill some need of which I'm not totally aware? In either case, the other person in the relationship isn't at fault for that feeling. Recognizing that truth allows me to gracefully let go of judging their actions.
3.Acceptance. I've grown fond of the meme that is circulating that says, "Not my circus, not my monkeys". It reminds me to walk with humor, but also, that the only real monkey I have control over is me. I'm part of a much larger circus with many more performers, but the only one I can control in any ring is myself. Accepting this simple concept reminds me to see each person in my life as an individual and respect the joy and wisdom they contribute to my life. This contribution would be lessened if they thought or acted just like me.
In the end, detachment in relationships isn't easy, but dedication to it is definitely worth it.
Namaste.